Many Birds With One Shot

For the last week or so, I was feeling pretty frustrated because I seemingly couldn't hold back from having snacks almost all day long, especially - in the evenings. And it went from healthy to much less healthy very fast.

And another development I was puzzled about was me not drinking enough water in spite of my knowledge about its benefits to the body and the symptoms of dehydration I recognized.

I asked my nervous system, what it's about, why is it happening. The first answer was: "You need to eat to become big and strong."

Then, we had a chat, and the system seemed to get that the world is different know, and that I have another kind of strength enough to manage my life.

But I felt that there was something else to it. Until it came during a silent meditation: it was about guilt.

The mind was quick with the "knowledge", that it was a "try to dampen the guilt I felt about my decisions that brought about the death of pets that were under my control".

But, when I looked deeper, I saw that this emotional, addictive eating was intensifying the feeling of guilt to bring it to my attention.

Because, after another unhealthy snack, I felt guilty for the damage that I caused to my body and the money I spent for it. Although I was seemingly powerless against that impulse.

Sitting in the silence, I realized, that my system was practically punishing itself for those decisions.

And, very soon, there came a reminder from the depth of my heart: those beings were supposed to be set free from their bodies at that exact moment in that exact way, and I was there to make those "decisions", because I was the one capable of that.

That lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.

The cravings haven't stopped, because the system always needs time to change it's assumptions and adjust to the heart's knowledge. And, sometimes, I still have some not so healthy snack.

But I'm not angry at the system any more. And I don't feel guilt about it. (Maybe a little bit.) Because I have decided to welcome those cravings and to use them as reminders to drink water. Feeling really good about that. :)


Gina said...

Freeing the anger is a very positive step towards healing. A loving soul will always torment itself over such decisions (no matter how necessary. It is part of the grieving process we often forget to allow ourselves in our busy lives. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the snacks...just reduce the amount each snack is. I often allow myself a small chocolate snack bar after a healthy lunch. When you get a craving between meals try to focus on something to delay the act. Grab a journal and write about how much you are going to enjoy that snack when you finally allow yourself to have it. The more you write, the later you eat the nibbly :D XXX

Rita Juse-Cirkse said...

Thanks, Gina!